Improvements for my english descriptive piece?

Alright, this is purely constructive. So, you're sentence fluency isn't the best, and I seriously want to copy this and edit it, but I won't since it's your paper. I would, however, go through and change the first word of every sentence. Never use the same first word more than two times or else the paper gets really repetitive. Also, it's almost too descriptive. Finding the balance between under descriptive and over descriptive isn't too hard, just read over it and only emphasize what's REALLY important to you. Also, it might be because it's not done, but there doesn't seem to be any point. Be sure to find an important element and bring that through. At this point...I'd give you a B, but I'd love to read it when you're done editing! Best of luck!